Pies

I spied a pie through the baker’s door,
And then I spied a whole lot more.

Apple pie with crusty topping,
Rabbit pie that won’t stop hopping,
Mince pie hot on Christmas Day,
Pigeon pie that flies away,
Cottage pie with bricks and mortar,
Octopi found underwater,
Butcher’s pie with steak and kidney,
Witches pie with Kate and Sidney,
Shepherd’s pie with spuds and carrots,
Pirate’s pie with squawking parrots,
Blackbird pie begins to sing,
Eel pie keeps on wriggling,
Custard pie that someone throws,
Mud pie oozing through your toes,
Fish pie swimming in the sea,
Cherry pie – the one for me!

I spied a pie through the baker’s door.
A spider pie? Are you really sure?

First published in ‘Poems About Food’, edited by Brian Moses, published by Hodder Wayland 1999

Supermiss!

Miss Morris is mild, Miss Morris is meek,
She loves teaching history – Roman and Greek,
She knows all the wars with the French and the Spanish,
But when danger threatens, Miss Morris will vanish!
She’ll dash, in a flash, to the ladies staff loo,
Then emerge, in an instant, as somebody new!
Helmeted, caped, in an aura of light,
And with gold coloured pants that are far, far too tight.
With a leap she will launch herself into the air,
And bullies and baddies had better beware!

Supermiss! Supermiss! Classroom crusader!
There’s nowhere to hide, villains just can’t evade her.
She’ll teach them a lesson they’d rather not know.
Now get on with your work, she’ll be back in a mo.

There’s a sound far away, like a faint thunder-clap
And the sky’s punctuated with ‘Pow!’ and ‘Kerzap!’
The occasional ‘Whammo!’, an ‘Unghhh!’ or a ‘Wheee!’
And then it goes quiet, as quiet can be.
She lands like a lark, hardly bending the grass,
And in less than a minute is back with her class,
Where Miss Morris says ‘Settle down now! Pay attention!
Who knows Galileo’s most famous invention?’

Supermiss! Supermiss! Hear the class roar!
But if there’s one Supermiss, could there be more?
So watch when your teacher pops into the loo.
She just might emerge as a Supermiss too!

First published in ‘Top Secret Lives of Teachers’, edited by Brian Moses, published by Macmillan 2002

Yeti

I claim with confidence, I’ve met
Most creatures in the alphabet.
I’ve hunted them with noose or net,
From aardvark, ape and avocet,
Through musk-ox, moose and marmoset,
To xiphias and zebra, yet
It is to my intense regret
I haven’t seen a Yeti … yet.

I’ve trekked by mule with my machete,
Getting chilly, mucky, sweaty,
And, though you may call it petty,
Still I’ve never found a Yeti.

I’ve searched regions dry and wet.
I’ve scoured the plateau of Tibet.
I’ve studied Yeti etiquette,
Seen things I think a Yeti’s ate,
And though I’m not the sort to fret,
I’m really getting quite upset
That I’ve not seen or smelt or met
Or found or caught a Yeti … yet!

First published in ‘A Poetry Teacher’s Toolkit – Book 2’, by Collette Drifte and Mike Jubb, published by David Fulton, 2002.